The Iron Writer Challenge #77 (Grudge #9)

The best part about being an Iron Writer is that most of us in the group who communicate regularly on the Facebook page have this sort of bond of kinship. I know, it does sound strange like that, but hear me out.

Most of us have never met the others in person (me not any, obviously), and we’re from the far flung corners of the earth. Brian Rogers, founder of the group, explicitly made it a rule that there was to be no self-promoting on the page. So, probably or want of something to do, the early Irons started bantering among themselves.

Friendships bloomed, alliances were formed, and rivalries were discovered… and out of those rivalries, the Grudge Match was born.

Basically, it’s a glorified weekly challenge where one Iron trash talked another till the gauntlet gets thrown. And this week, I am in one.

The Grudge was initiated long before I joined. The Iron Writer had been around since 2013, after all. Rules depended on the grudgers, but the standard form was the trash talker challenging the trash talkee, and then they each pick another member of the group as their ‘second’. The four of them each contribute a single element, and the elements are to be used by the writers in their stories. (This is as opposed to Brian coming up with all four on his own.)

Yep, very duel-like, this.

Other than that, it was basically the same. The winner would go on into the quarterly tournament, and the team that person is on wins the Grudge.

Bored and having nothing else to do one day a few months back, I decided to poke the hornet’s nest and see which one came out to sting me first. Jordan Bell took up my challenge, and after much friendly shoving (where I came out on top, of course) we each chose a wing man and a day to settle this.

And that day has arrived.

The elements, as Brian revealed to us last Thursday, were:

A Suit of Armor (three guesses who picked that one)

                          A Pitcher’s Mound

                               Gluten Free

                             Locke’s Socks

Me being the procrastinator that I am, I put it out of my mind and completely forgot about it... till a week later, which was the night before it was due. I hadn’t the faintest idea what to right about, and then inspiration saved the day by popping me in the jaw.

Without further ado, let me present my contribution to the 9^th Iron Writer Grudge…

The Story of My Life

“The question, Matt, is whether or not it’s the same suit of armor.”

“Sure, great, go away. I’m busy.”

“No, you’re not. Stop surfing the net, this is important.”

“Would you please…?”

“It’s the same as that Locke’s Socks effect, isn’t it? See, you take this suit of armor, change the breastplate after a while, and then the greaves in a couple of months, get a new visor for the helm, and then a new helm for the visor…”

“It was sock. Singular. Locke’s sock.”

“Good, you’re paying attention.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Sure you’re not. Look, you know this is more important than regretting your lunch. Cupcakes, gluten free or otherwise, were never meant to replace meals.”

“Just go away and leave me to barf in peace, darn you.”

“Look, Matt, it’s the principle of the matter. Is it the same suit of armor, or isn’t it?”

“How in the world would I know? I only wear the suits, I don’t theorize their very existence on a molecular level or whatever. Jeez.”

“Yeah right, of course you wear them.”

“Even less likely that I’ll have an answer to your paradox, then, isn’t it?”

“THINK about it, Matt! It’s a conundrum that’s existed since the ancient times! You do know where it began…”

“(Sigh) No, but something tells me I’m about to find out. I am, aren’t I?”

“You already did when you read it on Wikipedia a week ago.”

“Yadda yadda.”

“It started with Theseus’s ship that was meant to be preserved, and kept having to have its parts replaced every few decades or so…”

“Seriously, why are you still pestering me with this?”

“You know why. You’ve been avoiding it all week.”

“And you’ve been nagging me all week.”

“Don’t act surprised. It’s about commitment, Matt. Dedication to the cause. When you step up to the plate, the pitcher on that mound isn’t going to take it easy on you.”

“I don’t play baseball.”

“Okay, imagine some obscure basketball reference instead. Now let’s get to work.”

“Look, there’s still plenty of time left. All I need is an hour or less. If you would let me enjoy what time I have left before…”

“All you’ve got is just a few hours to both come up with and then write something. You’re out of time.”

“And what do you expect me to do about it? Discuss the Locke’s Sock whatchamacallit on a suit of armor?”

“Well, we started that…”

“You know what? I’ve had it with you. I’m going to go have a nap. Get lost, already.”

“Matt. Hey, Matt.”

“……….”

“Matt. Look. Just look, Matt,”

“What now?!”

“You’ve done it,”

“Done what?”

“The Grudge. You finished your submission to the Grudge. And with just a few hours left, too”

“………”

“Say thank you,”

“Go away,”

“Say it with me. ‘Thank you, Conscience…’”

“I could have done it without you.”

“Sure, you would have, buddy. Sure, you would.”

“I wasn’t procrastinating. I was going to do it. ”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure you were,”

“Oh, just go away.”

“Matt. Hey, Matt.”

“NOW WHAT?!”

“There’s that blog post due Saturday morning…”

And there you have it. You guessed it. It was a true story, shockingly, and those don’t come often, especially not from me.

Well, that’s what I put up, my swing at Jordan. Who wins this grudge will depend a lot on you guys. Yep, like the other challenges I’ve done, there’s a poll here, too, and your vote along with the judge’s decisions will determine whether or not I deserve to win this.

Hope you liked it. You can check out this and the other stories by clicking here, and the voting box is right at the bottom. Appreciate your help, guys. Here’s to next Thursday, when the victor stands tall.