Of Bells, Whistles And A Hammer

Suppose I asked you to list the top ten most annoying sounds that you are familiar with on a pretty much daily basis. In the optimistic chance that you actually follow through with that strange request…

The likelihood of the phrase ‘alarm in the morning’ or a suitable variation of that being included close to the top would probably be high.

If this was some article for a major network or research journal, or even something backed up by the slightest bit of evidence, this is the point where the numbers come in. I say, let’s just ignore the fact that the following numbers are totally made up and continue as if I have something really important to say that you probably should hear.

It has been scientifically proven (no, it hasn’t) that 95% of the female population and 45% of males in most countries set an alarm at night before they go to sleep. Further study has shown that of these people who indeed set alarms, 85% of them use their phones, smart or otherwise, to set up these alarms.

And of the cases where the alarm does indeed ring at the correct time (assuming that the battery hadn’t died during the night, that the user hadn’t gotten am and pm mixed up again or that the dog carried it off to the kitchen for the fifteenth time for no reason) roughly 83.378% of people who hear the alarm reach over and set it to snooze, probably imagining that they really are going to wake up in five minutes. (chuckle)

Ah, the snooze function. What would we do without it?

The conclusion of this astounding study: almost everyone hates that alarm. And me, personally? Oh, I simply abhor it. I’m the kind of guy who finds out every morning that he has fallen in love again with his pillow and blankets, and inexplicably yet eventually begins to lose interest in them during the day to finally hate them and what they represent (i.e. just sleeping) at night. Specifically, after the am hours.

I’m not sure about you, but over the years I have realized that there’s a regular conundrum that plagues me the nights preceding every morning that I’m supposed to wake early. The first problem is what time to set the alarm at. I’m sure you know what I mean.

See, if I have to be out of bed at 8am and I set it for 8am, jarring awake and having to get out immediately might not be too easy. You all know this is true. It is actually, however, the most effective way of utilizing an alarm to wake up. (I happen to know this for a fact since I once had my mother standing over me waiting for the phone to chirp. Just as my hand reached to set it to snooze, she grabbed it and yanked me off the bed. That up close and personal morning greeting with my paper strewn floor was enough to keep me awake long enough to make it through brushing, believe it or not. My mother really is pretty creative)

On the other hand… if I set it half an hour in advance and keep hitting snooze every five to ten minutes, I can gradually awaken properly to finally be able to rise up and perform whatever it is I have to perform. That sounds great in theory, yes. In theory.

Never works for me.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I sincerely believe that one of the most peaceful feelings any human can have is the one where you know that though you’re supposed to get out of bed soon, you still have about 45 minutes before you have to. Close your eyes, hug that blanket closer and turn over. Enjoy this bliss while you can.

I still wake up at least 15 minutes late no matter how early I set the alarm. I’m beginning to think the only reason I had it in the first place was to have that great 45-minutes-more feeling. Sigh.

One of the main reasons the alarm thing doesn’t work as well with me is because, of late, I have become a night person. My mind is more focused at night, and I get the mood to write. Not only that, there’s also the fact that my little sister doesn’t keep barging into the room for every little thing after 10pm. That kind of stuff tends to take the mood away once you’ve settled in and begun typing away, as I’m sure you know.

Going to bed around 1 to 2am has become natural to me, much to poor mum’s chagrin. And that’s basically a solid reason why my snooze function gets a healthy workout every day.

The other problem I’ve got is where to keep the thing. Too close, and I’ll do the zombie-hit-the-snooze that everyone is familiar with. Put it a little farther away, and (in theory) the walk I’m forced to take from bed to table to shut it off should be enough to wake me up.

The only time I ever did the walk, I turned around, and fell back into bed. All the other times, I slept through the blaring klaxon. A few mornings after the results were evident, I decided to can that theory.

Oh, all the times that I have slept through that alarm. I might probably even be able to start a whole new blog on stuff that happened to me on the days that I missed whatever it was that I missed when waking up late. Mum, understandably, is not impressed.

Sometimes, it gets so that I am so used to switching it to snooze or even turning the alarm off in my subconscious that I wake up not sure whether or not I had even set that alarm the night before. Times like these, this is what I feel I’d be better off next to me.

A bit extreme, you think? Not nearly extreme enough; I can literally sleep through an explosion. Trust me, it’s happened. But that’s a story for another day.